Not my students’. Mine.
Today I have a bad attitude.
Waiting is hard.
It’s not fun.
Today is a day when I longed to have children. My own children.
When you spend your days investing into other people’s children and you get to a point when you’re ready to spend that energy training and guiding your own babies, that investment in other children feels….harder. It hurts a little.
And then I think about how my biological clock is ticking. (Marisa Tomei anyone?)
They say the likelihood of bearing children with birth defects increases the older a woman gets. – Though I know it can happen, I actually don’t spend time worrying about this, but it helps my case when I feel like venting or I don’t know, say, when I’m selfishly trying to persuade my husband to bump up our baby-having date, even though it goes directly against our previous, logical, genuine, prayer-covered, unified, team plan agreement.
Earlier this week, I had a great attitude. I even told a friend how I have learned not to wish this season away and how the Lord has helped me to see each phase in my life as a gift not to be squandered. And how He has specifically shown me wonderful purposes for this childless season.
But, wouldn’t you know it, I’m human (darn humanity!) Today, my inner-self pouted. Okay, my outer-self too. There was arm crossing involved. And maybe a tear or two rolling down a sullen face in a quiet room by myself.
What fickle creatures we are. Not you? You lie.
I have inspiring perspective one day, then my 2 year-old self rises up and needs to be dealt with. And sometimes I’m too lazy to deal with her. So I let her have her little tantrum (relegated to my own head), knowing that in the end, she will not win.
That does comfort me. Knowing that she will not win. That though I may indulge her, Christ doesn’t leave me in my crumby perspective but always shows me a way out of it, even validates my natural longings. He’s so kind.
For now, let it be known. I’m pouting. And Christ still accepts and loves me.